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In response to a fellow pagan's post on unacceptable expectations in pagan social behavior, I've decided to try to write Pagan Etiquette Guidelines on a variety of aspects of community life. This is my first draft on this topic, so I welcome feedback!
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If you look around at a pagan event, there's so much hugging going on that you'd think a full-body hug was the equivalent of a handshake. Mainstream society's view on hugging reserves it for close friends and family, but in pagan communities, a hug can be a welcoming gesture or even an attempt to reassure others that this is a place of safety and trust.
But in truth, a hug is a form of affectionate greeting that is reserved for friends, not the population in general. There are appropriate and inappropriate moments to give a hug, and unfortunately, a hug can be intrusive and even abusive if projected onto another person without
permission.
If you've never hugged someone before, don't assume that because that person is pagan, or that the person has hugged others, that he/she is ready to hug you. Hugging involves such closeness that some people can be very picky with whom they're comfortable to be that close.
1. If the person throws their arms out, inviting you to hug them, feel free to accept the invitation.
2. If you're unsure, start with a handshake. If the person leans into you to hug you, feel free to accept the invitation.
3. If it's just a handshake, smile, look the person in the eye, and say something positive.
Unless you know the person very well, and you have a history of hugging with this person, DO NOT grab them by the body and pull them into your space without permission. Also, keep in mind that hugging does not give you free reign to kiss the person or fondle any part of their body that has nothing to do with the hug. A hug generally lasts about 2 to 10 seconds.
If you are not comfortable with being hugged, you have every right to have your boundaries respected. However, it can be difficult in the excitement of a moment to let the person who is trying to hug you to know that. A graceful way of side-stepping an unwanted hug without creating a scene is to grab an incoming hand as a handshake, using your other hand to hold them back by the
shoulder. Try to smile, maybe whisper "I'm not into hugging, thanks", and move on. It gives the other person a chance to recover gracefully and no feelings are hurt.
If the person persists on pushing through with the hug, push them back harder by the shoulder, which should throw them off. If the persistence to hug continues, push back, get out of it, and state firmly that you are not into hugging. If the persistence still continues, call out for security.
If you are the person who has launched an unwanted hug, pay attention to other person's body language. If they draw back, have their hands up, or have a frightened look on their face, change your stance and take them by the hand instead. You can easily recover from this faux pas and and save face, but you need to put respect of the other person's personal space above your need to unleash your love upon the world at large.
Above all, don't get insulted if your hug is rebuffed. Try to be gracious in your misunderstanding. No one is obligated to accept your hug, and if you think they are obligated in some way (because you're a great person, you're a celebrity, you're of the opposite gender, you should be bonding on your common ground, etc.), you're going to find yourself in a very bad, very lonely place eventually.
It can be difficult to know when hugging or handshaking is appropriate, but if you're unsure, stick with the handshake. The choice to hug or not to hug needs to be respected and not used to identify who is more pagan-than-thou. It all comes down to respecting a person's boundaries and being gracious when etiquette mistakes are made.
==========================
If you look around at a pagan event, there's so much hugging going on that you'd think a full-body hug was the equivalent of a handshake. Mainstream society's view on hugging reserves it for close friends and family, but in pagan communities, a hug can be a welcoming gesture or even an attempt to reassure others that this is a place of safety and trust.
But in truth, a hug is a form of affectionate greeting that is reserved for friends, not the population in general. There are appropriate and inappropriate moments to give a hug, and unfortunately, a hug can be intrusive and even abusive if projected onto another person without
permission.
If you've never hugged someone before, don't assume that because that person is pagan, or that the person has hugged others, that he/she is ready to hug you. Hugging involves such closeness that some people can be very picky with whom they're comfortable to be that close.
1. If the person throws their arms out, inviting you to hug them, feel free to accept the invitation.
2. If you're unsure, start with a handshake. If the person leans into you to hug you, feel free to accept the invitation.
3. If it's just a handshake, smile, look the person in the eye, and say something positive.
Unless you know the person very well, and you have a history of hugging with this person, DO NOT grab them by the body and pull them into your space without permission. Also, keep in mind that hugging does not give you free reign to kiss the person or fondle any part of their body that has nothing to do with the hug. A hug generally lasts about 2 to 10 seconds.
If you are not comfortable with being hugged, you have every right to have your boundaries respected. However, it can be difficult in the excitement of a moment to let the person who is trying to hug you to know that. A graceful way of side-stepping an unwanted hug without creating a scene is to grab an incoming hand as a handshake, using your other hand to hold them back by the
shoulder. Try to smile, maybe whisper "I'm not into hugging, thanks", and move on. It gives the other person a chance to recover gracefully and no feelings are hurt.
If the person persists on pushing through with the hug, push them back harder by the shoulder, which should throw them off. If the persistence to hug continues, push back, get out of it, and state firmly that you are not into hugging. If the persistence still continues, call out for security.
If you are the person who has launched an unwanted hug, pay attention to other person's body language. If they draw back, have their hands up, or have a frightened look on their face, change your stance and take them by the hand instead. You can easily recover from this faux pas and and save face, but you need to put respect of the other person's personal space above your need to unleash your love upon the world at large.
Above all, don't get insulted if your hug is rebuffed. Try to be gracious in your misunderstanding. No one is obligated to accept your hug, and if you think they are obligated in some way (because you're a great person, you're a celebrity, you're of the opposite gender, you should be bonding on your common ground, etc.), you're going to find yourself in a very bad, very lonely place eventually.
It can be difficult to know when hugging or handshaking is appropriate, but if you're unsure, stick with the handshake. The choice to hug or not to hug needs to be respected and not used to identify who is more pagan-than-thou. It all comes down to respecting a person's boundaries and being gracious when etiquette mistakes are made.
